The roots of trust are built in our childhood, where we learn to receive consistent, predictable care from our parents. Trust is built on order and predictability, which makes it even more psychologically traumatizing when that trust is broken. Studies have shown that psychological traumas (like discovering an affair) can have an effect on brain functioning long after the event has happened.
One of these common changes is the development of hyper-vigilance to prevent further assaults. Being hyper-vigilant is a survivor perspective, it protects us from harm.
These behaviors are commonly acted out by the partner who has been betrayed, by being looking for and being ultra aware of any change in behavior or pattern from their partner. Unfortunately, being hyper-vigilant is non discriminating. This puts us in a position to mistrust everyone around us- other family members, co-workers, spiritual leaders. This is harmful to our social connections- how can we prevent ourselves from mistrusting everyone around us after a betrayal?
Heartbreaks are, well, heartbreaking. The sudden loss of the person you thought would be by your side forever is devastating. You may still catch yourself hearing a joke, so you turn to watch your partner laugh, only to realize they’re gone.
But after you’re done comfort binging romcoms and Ben and Jerry’s, it’s time to take care of you. The loss your relationship leaves doesn’t mean the end of your world. It’s time to create a fresh start.
Here are five steps to take back your life and move past a lost love. You can come out of this smarter, more confident, and more financially stable and prepared for a new love.
- Look after your health.
After a break up it’s important to take care of yourself. Now’s a great time to start a new exercise routine or get a massage. You could even go all out on a spa day. Try healthy new Pinterest meals or try your hand at meal planning. Meal planning can be a great way to make your food budget last longer too!
- Pick up a new hobby.
Besides taking your mind off your ex, a new hobby is a great way to meet new people. This can spur exciting new friendships and even a potential new romance. Look for classes around your neighborhood. Libraries are a great source for free or low-cost classes.
- Reconnect with friends and family.
No one wants to be that person who disappears in a relationship, but we all do a little. After a breakup, your friends and family are there to support you and help you get back on your feet. Listen to them, and go have some fun creating new experiences. You don’t need your ex to have fun.
- Spend some extra time focusing on your career.
Like friends and family, sometimes your career can take a back seat during a relationship. Now is a great time to throw yourself headfirst into the runnings. Keeping busy will keep you distracted which in turn keeps the heartbreak at bay. Plus, a promotion on the horizon is always rewarding!
- Make your money work for you.
Relationships can be expensive! Date nights, little gifts, eating for two, birthdays, anniversaries. Make sure to get a financial advisor that gets you. The right advisor can teach you to set up your money in a way that you never have to stress about big purchases again. The average wedding costs about $35,000. Even if your big day is years away, the right financial advisor can help you start planning now.
It’s common knowledge that forgiveness is often the best policy, but when you’re in the throes of a painful experience in which someone you love has done something terrible, it’s usually the farthest from your mind. It’s hard to separate forgiveness from the feeling of granting permission for the offense, but forgiving can be the silver lining to your damaging encounter. Today we’re helping discern when it’s ok to move on and how to make it easier to do so.
Evaluate the Offense
Take a look at what actually happened. Identify if the offense is a sensible or legitimate reason to be upset. If your friend came to you with the same situation, would you encourage him or her to respond the same way you’ve responded? Is the offense reprehensible or are you overreacting to a current situation based on past, unrelated hurts? Sometimes learning when to forgive someone is easier when you’re able to look at the offense objectively. If it’s not as horrible as your initial reaction led you to believe, you can move toward forgiveness much easier.
Learn Your Lessons
Take stock of what’s happened and make a short list of the red flags you may have missed along the way. If you’re addressing an infidelity issue, reflect on the signals your partner may have sent to indicate a problem. Review what decisions you made along the way that positioned you where you are today. You can then make positive changes to your decision making moving forward. Knowing that you can learn and grow from a negative experience can help make your transition to forgiveness easier to do.
Forgiveness Is About You, Not Them
Believe it or not, the act of forgiving is more about you than it is the person who’s wronged you. We often assume that forgiving and unforgivable act lends permission to the act itself or somehow lets the offender off the hook for having committed it. But actually, forgiveness is about forgiving yourself from the burden of pain, anxiety or hurt the wrong has caused you. It’s about deciding not to be held emotionally captive to the pain of the act. You allow yourself to move past the pain and in some cases, away from the person altogether.
Keep your chin up. You may be in pain now, but the liberation of forgiveness is just around the corner. Take a look at how you can be objective, learn from mistakes and move forward. Remember, forgiveness more about freeing yourself turmoil and less about the offender or the act itself.