The roots of trust are built in our childhood, where we learn to receive consistent, predictable care from our parents. Trust is built on order and predictability, which makes it even more psychologically traumatizing when that trust is broken. Studies have shown that psychological traumas (like discovering an affair) can have an effect on brain functioning long after the event has happened.
One of these common changes is the development of hyper-vigilance to prevent further assaults. Being hyper-vigilant is a survivor perspective, it protects us from harm.
These behaviors are commonly acted out by the partner who has been betrayed, by being looking for and being ultra aware of any change in behavior or pattern from their partner. Unfortunately, being hyper-vigilant is non discriminating. This puts us in a position to mistrust everyone around us- other family members, co-workers, spiritual leaders. This is harmful to our social connections- how can we prevent ourselves from mistrusting everyone around us after a betrayal?
Heartbreaks are, well, heartbreaking. The sudden loss of the person you thought would be by your side forever is devastating. You may still catch yourself hearing a joke, so you turn to watch your partner laugh, only to realize they’re gone.
But after you’re done comfort binging romcoms and Ben and Jerry’s, it’s time to take care of you. The loss your relationship leaves doesn’t mean the end of your world. It’s time to create a fresh start.
Here are five steps to take back your life and move past a lost love. You can come out of this smarter, more confident, and more financially stable and prepared for a new love.
- Look after your health.
After a break up it’s important to take care of yourself. Now’s a great time to start a new exercise routine or get a massage. You could even go all out on a spa day. Try healthy new Pinterest meals or try your hand at meal planning. Meal planning can be a great way to make your food budget last longer too!
- Pick up a new hobby.
Besides taking your mind off your ex, a new hobby is a great way to meet new people. This can spur exciting new friendships and even a potential new romance. Look for classes around your neighborhood. Libraries are a great source for free or low-cost classes.
- Reconnect with friends and family.
No one wants to be that person who disappears in a relationship, but we all do a little. After a breakup, your friends and family are there to support you and help you get back on your feet. Listen to them, and go have some fun creating new experiences. You don’t need your ex to have fun.
- Spend some extra time focusing on your career.
Like friends and family, sometimes your career can take a back seat during a relationship. Now is a great time to throw yourself headfirst into the runnings. Keeping busy will keep you distracted which in turn keeps the heartbreak at bay. Plus, a promotion on the horizon is always rewarding!
- Make your money work for you.
Relationships can be expensive! Date nights, little gifts, eating for two, birthdays, anniversaries. Make sure to get a financial advisor that gets you. The right advisor can teach you to set up your money in a way that you never have to stress about big purchases again. The average wedding costs about $35,000. Even if your big day is years away, the right financial advisor can help you start planning now.
Are you having trouble communicating with your partner?
Try these super strategies for success at communication!
- During your evening meal together, avoid watching the television, reading the mail or newspaper. Look directly at your partner and have a conversation.
- Ask open ended questions to encourage your partner to open up and talk. Open ended questions begin like this:
- Tell me about…
- What do you think of…
- What was it like when…
- Check your communication with your partner and beware of using “You” messages. These are statements that begin with the word “you”. For example:
- You need to come home by 6:00
- You shouldn’t do that
- You should call me if you are going to be late
“You” messages are damaging because they make the other person feel bad or that they are being blamed. It feels like you are talking down to them and can put them on the defensive.